One Hundred Ways for a Dog to Train Its Human

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Side A

Build A Time Machine To Send Me Back To September 11th 2001 And I'll Go To The Top Of The World Trade Center

Lodge Amputated Scrotums In My Throat

When Im Asleep In My Own Car Throw A Molitov Cocktail At It

Get Me Pregnant, Then Use My Breast Milk To Make Human Icecream, Then Poison It, Then Feed It To Me For Brunch

Make Me Try To Walk Across A High Up Telephone Wire Glazed With Slippery Seamen

Seal Me Inside Of A Castle So I Think I'm A King Of The Castle Untill I Relize Theres No Food In There And I Have To Eat My Own Penis And Then Eventually Starve

Throw A Banana Peel In Front Of My Car So I Swirve And Drive Off A Cliff

Put Me On A Wheelchair And Send Me Downhill Into A Busy Road

Put Me On The Merry-go-round That Is So Fast That I Puke Out My Guts

Make Me Eat Zillions Of Popcorn Curnles, Then Put Me In A Microwave

Make Me Get Drunk And Drive

Give Me A Surgery That Leads My Esophogus To A Garbage Pail Instead Of My Stomach So That When I Eat Food It Gets Thrown Out And I Become Malnurished

Have Spikes Under A Trampoline And Then Make The Springs As Loose As My Cunt So That I Fall Into The Spikes

Hang Me

Handcuff One Of My Hands To The Back Of A Car, Then Handcuff My Other Hand To The Back Of A Truck. Tell The Drivers To Drive In Opposite Directions. My Arms Stretch Out Really Far For Miles Untill My Arms Finally Pop Out Of The Sockets. So Then I Glue My Arms Back Together But Accidently Glue Them On Backwards So I Get So Sick Of Having Streched Out Backwards Arms That I Jump In Front Of A Train

Convince Me To Have An Eating Disorder So I Loose Alot Of Weight. Then Give Me A Baloon To Hold And When I'm Really High Up In The Air Throw A Chinese Star At The Balloon So I Come Falling Down

Put Me In A Swimming Pool Infested With Aligators

Put Me In A Swimming Pool Infested With Crockadiles

Put Me In A Swimming Pool Infested With Stingrays

Bring Me To The Zoo So I Can Tease The Lions And Then Open Their Cage And Unleash Them! Down Kitty-cat Down!

What The Fuck?! Shove The Worlds Most Brutal Phone Up My Ass And Than Call It

Feed Me A Gallon Of Tapeworm Eggs So When They Hatch They Eat My Insides

Build A Time Machine And Send Me Back To Jurassic Times To Become A Dinosaur's Brunch

Put Razorblades In My Cerial

Have A Vampire Bite My Neck So I Turn Into One, Then Make Me Lick Garlic Out Of A Sloppy Pussy

Clog My Lungs With A Banana

Make Me Fuck The Buglady So That A Scorpion Crawls Up My Dickhole And Lays Eggs Inside My Dick

Cut Off My Fingers And Make Me Eat My Own Fingers In A Finger Sandwhich

Cut Off My Hand And Slap Me In The Face With My Own Hand

Saw Off My Arm And Beat Me To Death With My Own Arm

Put Me In A Guillotine And Lop Off The Head

Lop My Limbs Off With A Rusty Bone-saw

Shove A Queen Ant Up My Eye-socket So That An Ant Colony Devolpes In My Brain

Put A Bullet In My Brain

Sit Me Down On A Volcano So When It Errupts, Hot Lava Glides Up My Keester

Make Me Eat Cement Powder So When I Drink Water I Turn Into A Statue, Then Crack Me Into A Hundred Pieces With A Clawhammer

In A Winter Battle

Side B

Gas Me With Zyklon

Crack Open My Head With My Monkey Wrench Then Feed Me My Own Brains

Keep Me In My Own Car In The Garage With A Tube Going From The Exaust Into The Car

Blow My Brains Across The Room Onto The Wall With My Own Gattling Gun

Eat Anthrax, Then Poo The Anthrax Into My Mouth

Throw Bombs At Me

Inject A Fly With So Much Hormones That He Becomes Bigger Than A Mammoth, Then Poo Out A Doodie-rock Onto My Face So He Bites My Face Out

Get A Mut Pregnant, Then Use Its Milk To Make Dog Icecream, Then Poison It And Feed It To Me For Brunch

Pretend I'm Christ, Then Crucify Me

Make Me Run With Scissors So I Trip Over A Used Condom And Fall Over And The Scissors Impale Through My Eye And Through My Brain

Make Me Mow Your Lawn With The Kind Of Mowers That You Ride On So I Mow Too Close To A Tree And Topple The Thing Over And Fall Into The Blade

Feed Me Poisoned Applesauce

Feed Me Poisoned Applepie

Bonus Tracks (Live @ The Sanctuary, San Antonio, Texas - January 1st 2005)

Gas Me With Zyklon

Make Me Eat Cement Powder So When I Drink Water I Turn Into A Statue, Then Crack Me Into A Hundred Pieces With A Clawhammer

Get Me Pregnant, Then Use My Breast Milk To Make Human Icecream, Then Poison It, Then Feed It To Me For Brunch

Keep Me In My Own Car In The Garage With A Tube Going From The Exaust Into The Car

Lop My Limbs Off With A Rusty Bone-Saw

Put A Bullet In My Brain

Make Me Fuck The Buglady So That A Scorpion Crawls Up My Dickhole And Lays Eggs Inside My Dick

Mug Me In An Alley

Make Me Eat Zillions Of Popcorn Curnles, Then Put Me In A Microwave

Pretend I'm Christ, Then Crucify Me

Build A Time Machine To Send Me Back To September 11th 2001 And I'll Go To The Top Of The World Trade Center

Make Me Run With Scissors So I Trip Over A Used Condom And Fall Over And The Scissors Impale Through My Eye And Through My Brain

Feed Me Poisoned Applepie

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